THE “YOU, YOU, YOU” MINDSET OF THE SELF-HELP MOVEMENT IS UNHEALTHY
Stadiums fill up for motivational speakers. Self-help retreats sell for thousands of dollars per ticket. Books fly off shelves with titles promising to turn you into a new, richer, happier, more productive you. Upon listening to these speakers, going to these retreats, and reading these books, there’s this common theme: “YOU have the power to change your life!”
Yes. That’s true. You change your life not because a fairy godmother waved a magic wand on you and said “Bippity-boppity boop!” You apply for university to finally get your master’s. You open up a word document and start on that novel that’s been brewing in your head for years. You take a deep breath and quit your job to travel around the country in a van.
In other words, you take initiative.
A personal mantra that I live by is “Your present actions create your future reality.” While the idea itself has been reiterated for years, this wording helps me. There’s a simplicity to its logic. If you want something, you start now to get it — you transform your future into one that has what you desire. Hungry? Start cooking. Hate your job? Polish up your resumé and start sending it out. Want to become a writer? Start writing.
With that said…
I’ve exposed myself often to self-help culture, and that sentiment is not what’s generally emphasized. Yes, self-help spews the “take control of your life” mentality repeatedly. However, the general “theme” of the self-help genre that I’ve come to notice is “YOU are in control of your destiny.”
Ok. Hold on.
Here’s what that mentality creates. Self-help books, talks, and seminars sell to a particular audience that seeks to “fix itself”. This advice is, at best, common sense. At worst, it’s completely deflating or even terrible, misguided advice. Whatever effect the advice causes, there tends to be a massive emphasis on “you”. “YOU have the power to make money!” “YOU can change your life and take the leap of faith!” “Create affirmations that YOU will do it, and you can become it, create it, destroy it…”
There’s also the inverse. Whenever I read a self-help book that tells me that I can stop being broke by creating a bunch of “I Can” statements and just going out to follow my dreams, I’m instilling the hidden message of, “It’s 100% your fault that you’re broke.” The same can be said about a lot of advice in self-help. Why aren’t you living your dream life? It’s because you are not hustling!
Granted, if the book lists exceptions to this, then the message would not be this. It’s not “100% your fault”. But this doesn’t often seem to be the message in the general self-help community.
Yes — you can make changes to your life to have better finances, a more fulfilling career, a healthier body, yadda yadda yadda. And yes, you don’t achieve those things by sitting on the couch and hoping for Santa Claus to come by dropping a giant bag of cash and a job offer at that law firm. But this idea that you’re in complete control of your destiny?
Why don’t you have the dream job you want? It’s because you haven’t worked hard enough — you haven’t looked hard enough, you haven’t gone back to school, you haven’t made the connections that you needed. It’s not because the HR department lost your resumé, or because the job is preferring to hire someone internally but will post the job on Indeed to “technically give everyone a fair shot.”
Self-help also tells you that you should never give up, and that you should always be positive — which again, means that if you feel hopeless or depressed about your situation, those are bad thoughts that are affecting your future. The Law of Attraction is working against you. You’re not getting what you want because of your emotions and your thoughts — it’s your fault! Never mind the fact that HR isn’t going to care one iota how sad you’ll be when they pass over your resumé. It’s toxic positivity — the belief that you should always be positive, that negative feelings and experiences should be flipped around or repressed altogether, and that you can even choose to be happy. It’s a staple of self-help.
Here’s what I wish self-help culture drives home more:
To achieve what you want, people help you out. I hate the phrase “self-made” — no person on Earth is “self-made”. Forbes’ list of “America’s Richest Self-Made Women” includes people like Rihanna, former Burton Snowboards CEO Donna Carpenter, and SpaceX’s Gwynne Shotwell. To call any of them self-made is laughable — but please support them. I still think they’re awesome. That said, no one gets anywhere just because of determination and hard work. People give them a chance. They offer them a record deal after listening to their demo tape. They publish their novel. They cast them in their movie. They hire them, listen to them — it’s luck, it’s goodwill, and it’s exposure to people who have the key to opportunities.
I also think that people should know that mistakes and negativity are okay. They’re human. Self-help wants to turn you into a superhuman. Get up at 4 AM, work out, list out your MITs for the day, and be a freaking boss of life. Great. But if you live the perfect life, you miss out on mistakes and experiences that strengthen you. You learn coping skills and process things in a healthy way. It’s all-important for your journey.
If you read self-help books and get into that culture, that’s fine. It’s inspirational and motivational. However, careful with what they’re selling you. It’s Kool-Aid. Remember to be forgiving, remember to be human, and keep succeeding.
Your present actions create your future reality.
