Love Actually — My Storyline Ranking
It’s Christmas, and you know what that means. It’s time to watch your favorite “celebrity ensemble multi-storyline romantic comedy based during a holiday season” that started and peaked with the 2003 film, Love Actually.
I’m not alone in creating a Love Actually storyline ranking. The film is 21 years old and has brought together millions of people to talk about it. Parodies, callbacks, “Justice for Emma Thompson!” and so on…
I’ve watched Love Actually a hundred times, and as I’ve gotten older (and hopefully wiser), my opinions have evolved around the nine storylines that the movie centers around. Some story lines aged horribly, some are more morally gray than I recall, and some are still a delight to watch.
These are my rankings.
9. Colin — Passport Bro in Milwaukee
Meet Colin (Kris Marshall). Colin is a poor bloke from Basildon who isn’t getting laid in England because British girls are too stuck up. His solution? Just go to a bar in America! Ignoring his friend Tony (Abdul Salis) telling him that this plan is mad, Colin takes a flight to the sexiest city in the US: Milwaukee, Wisconsin. Lucky for him, Colin walks into the one bar in Milwaukee that doesn’t just have a bunch of fat guys drinking beer watching a Packers game. He finds a group of hot babes who all live with each other. And they think it’s soooo hot that he’s from England. All he has to do is say “bottle” for them and he’s invited to the best sleepover of his life.
This is the worst storyline. It’s supposed to be funny, but it’s just too cringey and pathetic to be so. Colin doesn’t grow. He’s not stranded in America when reality hits him. He gets exactly what he wants in absurd fashion. It’s shallow, stupid, cheap, and could easily be a lot better than what it is.
Imagine if something happened to Colin — he doesn’t have money to get back home. The girls in the bar steal his wallet and passport. He’s screwed, and not in the fun way. Imagine how much more interesting and frankly more funny this storyline would be.
Sure, it’s unexpected in its own way that he actually does get what he wants, but you get a boring and disposable storyline because of it.
8. John and Judy — The Sex Actors
This is the shortest storyline, and truly talk about disposable here. John and Judy (Martin Freeman, Joanna Page) are actors working as sex stand-ins for a film that Tony is working on. The gist? Their job is weird and shocking — they do sex scenes. They’re naked all the time. And despite being naked all the time and having to grab their bathing suit parts, they talk to each other like regular, normal adults. Adults acting like professionals. Hilarious!
I’m actually putting this ahead of the Colin storyline because these characters are at least genuinely charming and pleasant. This is a happy, cute storyline. John and Judy end up getting engaged at the end — don’t know why. That’s a huge step up. Maybe more dating? But no matter. It is sweet. And frankly, I’m not clutching my pearls at them being sex actors. I feel whatever about it.
Still, it’s so forgettable of a storyline and feels included only for some weird 2000s-era humorous shock value.
7. Billy Mack — the Aging Pop Star
“Hi, kids. Here’s an important message from your uncle Bill. Don’t buy drugs.” Pause for effect. “Become a pop star, and they give you them for free!”
This is why I love Bill Nighy’s Billy Mack. While this storyline doesn’t have much depth to it, to me it’s one of the most fun to watch. You can tell that the one-liners and zingers make this character particularly fun to play. Billy Mack opens up the movie with his screw-ups recording the “solid gold shit” song “Christmas is All Around,” a song that pops up throughout Love Actually as callbacks complete with nods to Richard Palmer’s “Addicted to Love” music video. The love in this storyline? It’s between him and his manager, Joe (Gregor Fisher). It’s the only constant he’s really had in his life, his only family. Sure it’s sad. But he’s a rich pop star who gets whatever he wants. Who cares?
Still, as fun as the Billy Mack plot is, there are just better storylines than this one.
6. Sarah and Karl — the Unfulfilled Office Romance
This is just sad. But, it’s effective. Sarah (Laura Linney) is an American working at a graphic design company run by Alan Rickman’s Harry. She is madly infatuated with her coworker Karl (Rodrigo Santoro), and it’s obvious. And why wouldn’t she be? He has the strongest jawline and most sculpted body in the office, and surprisingly he isn’t working as a male underwear model. It’s those glasses holding him back, I’m sure.
Upon the insistence of Harry, Sarah goes on a date with Karl. Things go well enough to (gasp) get hot and steamy at her place until her mentally ill brother Michael (Michael Fitzgerald) interrupts and calls her. And there’s the love: it’s between Sarah and her brother.
Here’s the thing: while I understand the sentiment of this storyline, I think it could have been a lot stronger. Having a mentally ill family member is difficult and stressful, sure. That said, I’m finding a missed opportunity here. Wouldn’t it be a lot more interesting if, say, Karl notices that Sarah is having a hard time pursuing love because of her brother’s struggles and helps her out? Now that would be powerful. That would be love. He’s not just a heartthrob, he’s a partner.
Michael doesn’t have to be in the background. He is a part of Sarah’s life, which Sarah clearly takes seriously. Karl can become part of Sarah’s life by emotionally helping her with Michael.
Instead, I find that Michael is painted as nothing more than a burden to Sarah. It’s not love here. It’s a “labor of love” obligation, with a pretty devastating price to pay. And yes, I’ll say that there are ableist undertones to that idea. Being a caregiver is definitely emotionally hard work, but the people needing care aren’t just these obstacles in their caregivers’ lives. It feels, rather, that the movie opted to go for pulling at the easy emotional heartstrings. Make it sad!
But let me lighten up a bit. This is Love Actually, after all.
5. David and Natalie — the Prime Minister One
This is by far the most dated storyline. Meet David (Hugh Grant), England’s newly elected, charmingly bumbling Prime Minister. He doesn’t know what he’s doing — this whole “Prime Minister” thing is kind of weird to him. Enter Natalie (Martine McCutcheon), a staff member at 10 Downing.
There are some cute back-and-forth exchanges between David and Natalie. They seem to be on the same page with each other. Any power dynamic that could be there is dissipated by their chemistry. Feelings arise, even though she’s…(sigh)…“fat.” God forbid that she’s not a size 0. Everyone’s going to talk about your chubby thighs. It’s a running “joke” that she’s fat, and it gets on my nerves.
But David went to the School of Shallow Hal and doesn’t see her weight. He doesn’t care because, frankly, she’s a normal-bodied woman. It seems that the US President (Billy Bob Thornton) thinks the same way too, because David catches him doing a little Clinton-Lewinsky sexual harassment situation with Natalie. By the way, it’s never talked about if Natalie is okay after that incident. I guess this movie was too close to the ’90s for people to care yet.
But Natalie declares her love for David in a letter, David chases her down door-to-door in the “dodgy” part of town, and they kiss at a children’s school play.
This is a classic Love Actually storyline that has a satisfying beginning, middle, and end. The characters involved are enjoyable to watch, and the feelings for each other are honest and mutual. However, the fat jokes and power dynamic shades of it move it down to 5 for me.
4. Harry and Karen — the Married Couple
Oh great, another heartbreaking one. At least this has Emma Thompson’s Karen saying the line “Now which doll shall we give Daisy’s little friend Emily? The one that looks like a transvestite or the one that looks like a dominatrix?” Okay, “transvestite” dates it. I’m sorry.
Karen and Harry are married. They have a nice little English family life, complete with a school-aged son and daughter. Picture perfect. It would be a shame if something came in and disrupted all of this. Enter Mia (Heike Makatsch), whose only character trait is that she is the office slut with a capital S.
The acting is fantastic in this storyline. Rowan Atkinson’s memorable jewelry counter bit with the necklace gift wrapping, the devastating bedroom scene with Emma Thompson crying to Joni Mitchell, my God. I love it.
The best part is how Karen confronts Harry. He calls himself a “classic fool” to which, fool isn’t going to cut it here. But Karen tearfully comes back with saying that he made a fool out of her and her family life. And the sucker punch — right then, she turns to her kids coming to her after the play and wipes on a happy face.
Even with the Heathrow scene at the end, there’s no real closure. This may bother some people, but I think that it brings home just how destructive cheating can be. I’m putting it down at number 4, however, because the storylines ahead pack a little more depth for me. Mia is too archetypal, Harry doesn’t get enough of a comeuppance here, and this tonally goes between funny and rock-bottom sad for a storyline that is about a marriage being disrupted. Still, Emma Thompson carries this storyline on her back so well.
3. Juliet, Mark, and Peter — The “Signs” One
I’m glad this doesn’t end with a traditionally happy ending. This is about unrequited love that has a grounding in reality, but its ending is conclusive and hopeful.
In the beginning, we see that Mark (Andrew Lincoln) is the Best Man for his friend Peter (Chiwetel Ejiofor). Problem? Mark is secretly in love with Peter’s bride, Juliet (Kiera Knightley). He focuses his camera on her during the wedding, he looks at her longingly…the whole shebang. With little moments throughout of her visiting him to increase the romantic tension, the storyline comes to a conclusion with the famous “Signs” scene. “Say it’s carol singers” — fantastic. Following is a scene of Mark being honest about his feelings for Juliet, cue card after cue card. He walks away. Juliet quickly runs after to give him a peck on the lips before running back home. Then Mark says, “Enough.” End scene.
Without needing to do much, this storyline says everything that it needs to. It’s relatable, it’s gently painful (who hasn’t pined for someone they couldn’t have?), and it’s resolved in a mature way. No one’s hurt. The movie doesn’t pair Mark and Juliet up to ruin a marriage. Mark is instead able to acknowledge his feelings and let go. His love isn’t for Juliet, it’s for Peter, too — a platonic love. It’s brilliant.
2. Daniel, Sam, Joanna — Stepson One
Here is another absolutely classic Love Actually storyline. I would call this the flagship plot, given how much runtime this is given. Daniel (Liam Neeson) loses his wife Joanna to an illness and is left to care for his stepson Sam (Thomas Brodie-Sangster). After his mother’s death, Sam acts distant and distraught. To Daniel’s surprise, Sam isn’t crying over his mother. Instead, he’s in love with a girl — also named Joanna (Olivia Olson). Now for a mission: become an awesome drummer to get with the girl.
This storyline also has a satisfying beginning, middle, and end. You feel a real bond between Daniel and Sam. The drumming angle gives Sam a concrete thing to be motivated about. People aren’t avoiding their feelings in this story. It’s just raw, honest, cute love complete with an airport chase scene at the end to say good-bye to the girl.
It does leave me wanting more out of the storyline, though. The mother’s death feels more throwaway than I think it was meant to be. The death of a parent and a spouse is life-changing, and it would have been a smart move to give that aspect a lot more weight. Instead, it feels that Sam and Daniel move on from the death quite quickly. She mind as well not have died — it would have been just as effective if she were to just go on a business trip and leave Daniel alone with Sam for the longest time ever before.
But to keep her dead, and to make the crush’s name Joanna as well — here are some complex feelings of grief here to work through. That’s interesting, but not deeply explored at all.
Putting it at number 2 is largely because of how much time, effort, and attention is given to the storyline. That, however, makes its flaws more glaring.
All that said, it’s Love Actually. Again, it’s not that serious.
1. Jamie and Aurélia — the Writer and Portuguese Housekeeper
This storyline wins hands down. Maybe it’s because I’m a writer myself and identify more with Colin Firth’s Jamie, but this storyline is heartfelt and almost entirely flawless.
After catching his girlfriend cheating on him with his brother, Jamie goes to France to work on his mystery thriller novel in peace. He meets Aurélia (Lúcia Moniz), the new Portuguese housekeeper at the cottage. They grow a bond with each other despite the language barrier. You can see how this bond overcomes this obstacle — they’re responsive to each other. They continue their conversations and make an effort to understand each other. Like my other well-liked storylines in Love Actually, here are two people acting like adults and being lovingly interested in each other. They’re likable characters who we want to see more of.
But I’ll take romantic cheese all day as well. When Jamie returns to the UK, he begins learning Portuguese. With nowhere else he’d rather be for Christmas, he flies to Aurélia and proposes to her. He’s followed down the street by the townspeople, including Aurélia’s family (and, oh no, her fat sister. Remember, it’s a crime to be fat in the Love Actually world — you’ll get Dunkin’ Donuts jokes thrown your way). The proposal is dramatic in the middle of the restaurant Aurélia waitresses at, and the townspeople erupt in applause when the most satisfying ending of the entire movie happens.
Is it plausible? Is it realistic? No, not really.
It’s love, actually.
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